Every time I’ve had a(nother) mass I’ve been afraid to tell people.

Because, well, judgment and shame.

“Shouldn’t she have it figured out by now?”

“What is she doing to cause this?”

“I thought she meditates and shit and coaches people around their bodies, mental-physical-emotional health, and how it impacts their personal life?”

Etc, should, etc, judgment statement, etc.

The question “What is she doing wrong?” looms, but underneath all I would hear is “What’s wrong with her?”

These questions only became louder when I started diving into personal development where it touts “healing” and tells you that you are creating your reality.

And I bought into it. I drank that koolaid like my first glass of water after crawling on my knees through the desert. I slurped it down without second thought because I wanted to believe so badly I could change my life because I didn’t like who I was so much.

I thought that if I could just extract the lesson, figure out the “why”, and heal myself then the masses would be no longer and I would finally feel like enough.

But when I exasperatedly asked the mass what it needed to heal (aka go away) these words came through…

Healing often means changing and “fixing” what’s wrong, while loving simply means loving what is without any need to change.

I don’t know about you but healing because I need to change feels like ordering a salad and just water over small talk and stressing myself to impress him while loving without any need to change feels like sipping on a negroni over unleashed sass, sensuality, and sarcasm before my order of a burger comes and laughing with my head thrown back.

If we didn’t make our bodies and health, the amount of money we have/don’t have, our relationship status mean that something we’re doing is wrong, that we still have to “learn” something, that we’re not yet whole and/or worthy, that we’re wrong… then there’s a lot less judgment, pressure, guilt, blame, shame we put on ourselves. And suddenly, it’s all okay… we’re okay. And we’re free to choose the same or change.

But we don’t. (Oh humans <3)

We attach a meaning that something is wrong with being sick/poor/single, and in turn, something is wrong with us if we are those things.

So we buy into the narrative that we need to heal… because if we “heal” then we could stop being sick/poor/single.

This healing perpetuates another insidious story of us being “wrong”, “bad”, and “not enough”.

I mean, if you’re sick/poor/single it means you haven’t done enough work, haven’t “healed” enough, or are failing slash a failure, right?

Bullshit, I say.

This healing is bullshit.

Because this idea of healing means something’s broken — aka you’re doing something wrong, you’re wrong, you’re broken.

And it’s sold, with sales pages of moving away from pain and toward pleasure, as though there’s an answer to all of your life’s aches, heartbreaks, and pains.

As if there’s a cure for our humannness.

As if there’s a solution to our emotions.

As if there’s a fix for life.

…as if there needs to be.

But this cure, fixing, promised solutions and answers, “healing” SELLS.

It sells because it tells the story that if you buy this it will ensure life is 100% good, painless, and perfect. You don’t have to feel the way you don’t want to feel anymore. It has the answer to you feeling empty, life being hard, the ache within you, and your heart breaking and hurting.

“Damn, I want THAT.

I’ll buy that ‘cause I don’t want to feel THIS way any more.

Fix these feelings. Fix this. Fix me.”

As if we can heal enough which means we’ll figure it all out and life will be all “good” and easy and waking up to a motherfucking rainbow and a pot of literal gold sitting on your driveway and multiple-orgasms-before-breakfast day after brightening-sunrise-and-amber-sunset day.

But it can’t.

Newsflash: It. Can. Not.

Utopia is fiction for a reason.

Our very human existence ensures pain, “bad” times, hard, hurt, grief… no matter how “good” life gets. No matter how skinny, jacked, rich, wrinkle-free, big dick, big boobs, married with the white picket fence, vintage sports car-owning, many millions of followers you get.

We only know what “good” is because “bad” exists. We need the contrast. In fact, deep down we want, nay, we craaaaaave both for the full experience of life.

But you may wish for the red easy button. (Me too!) You may try and push it as you suppress/numb/distract yourself from what you’re feeling. (Me too!)

Here’s what I’ve learned though and my dear friend Stephanie Pellett shared this idea so well… life typically operates at a 50:50 “Good-to-Bad Ratio”. While it has been known to oscillate, it’s never always 100:0. And anyone who tells you they have the answer to it being 100:0 Good-to-Bad is probably selling you something.

Because here’s the truth: life, as a human, is inherently hard… and it’s meant to be.

It’s meant to ache, pain, hurt, break. That happens if you’re doing it right.

When you accept that life is hard, you don’t resist against what is, and you don’t mind what happens… it gets a lot easier and it flows.

It’s time we stop believing the idea that if life isn’t perfect, we’re doing it wrong. And it sure as heck doesn’t mean you’re wrong or need fixing aka healing.

It means you’re open. And open is always right.*

*Not easy… right.

You don’t need to heal all your childhood wounds before meeting the love of your life.

You don’t need to heal all your worthiness beliefs before you can make 6, 7, 8 figures.

You don’t need to heal all your traumas and eat perfectly in order to have a healthy body.

Yes, your shit is your responsibility AND you don’t always need to be perfectly qualified before having/doing/being something. Sometimes you need to learn in the process, through the practice.

You can be “bad”, fucked up, broken AND be powerful, receive what you want, loved.

You, me, life is broken… AND it’s beautiful.

We, and it, can be both.

Because;

You will never “arrive”.

You will never have it “all figured out”.

You will never be perfect and your life will never be perfect for the rest of your life.

Let your bullshit alarm go off for anyone who tells you otherwise.

But remember;

You don’t always “deserve” what happens to you.

You don’t have to blame/shame/berate yourself in order to change.

You choose what meanings you make about what happens in your life.

It is only in how you respond to something that’s within your power slash control — that’s our responsibility.

Give yourself grace, compassion, permission, total okayness with whatever is happening in your life and however you’re feeling.

The narrative that you need to “heal” aka change from a place of judgment, shame, and guilt only resists the current reality and engages a sensational push-pull dynamic but perpetuates “not enoughness”.

I can have a mass and still help others, make money, and be loved. And so can you for whatever you’re healing, scratch that, loving.

Anything that promises to fix the hard and heal everything so life is perfect is a) bullshit, and b) boring.

Always healing and already whole,

Deanne

Note: I’m not saying don’t desire, want, improve. Please please please, do. I’m saying be aware of when that change is coming from a whole place instead of a lacking place because it’s an entirely different experience and yields an entirely different feeling slash result.

And I say this without judgment because I’m along on this journey with you.